So You’re Thinking About Opening Up Your Relationship? A Therapist’s Guide for Couples
Opening up a committed relationship can feel both exciting and overwhelming. Many couples become curious about consensual non-monogamy as a way to explore desire, authenticity, and connection—without wanting to lose the security of their primary relationship.
If you and your partner are considering opening your relationship, it’s important to approach the process thoughtfully. Doing so with intention, clear communication, and emotional care can help protect your bond and support both partners’ well-being.
1. Start With Honest Self-Reflection
Before bringing the idea to your partner, it’s helpful to first reflect on your own motivations. Ask yourself:
What’s drawing me toward opening the relationship?
What needs or curiosities am I hoping to explore?
How might this impact my sense of safety, attachment, or long-term goals?
Opening a relationship works best when it’s a conscious choice—not an attempt to fix unresolved issues like distance, conflict, or lack of intimacy. If trust or communication feels fragile, strengthening those foundations first is essential.
2. Choose the Right Moment to Talk
Conversations about non-monogamy deserve care and intention. Pick a time when neither of you is rushed, stressed, or emotionally flooded.
Use calm, non-blaming language and focus on sharing your experience rather than persuading or convincing. Curiosity and openness go a long way here. Your partner may need time to process their feelings, and that’s okay.
This isn’t a one-time conversation—it’s the beginning of an ongoing dialogue.
3. Clarify What “Open” Means to You
There is no single definition of an open relationship. For some couples, openness involves sexual experiences only. For others, it may include emotional connections, dating, or ongoing relationships outside the partnership.
Important questions to explore together include:
Are outside connections sexual, emotional, or both?
Will experiences happen together or separately?
Are there limits around frequency, time, or people involved?
How do we want to protect our shared life and commitments?
Getting specific helps prevent misunderstandings and builds a shared understanding of what you’re agreeing to.
4. Set Clear Boundaries and Agreements
Successful open relationships rely on explicit agreements rather than assumptions. These agreements should be created collaboratively and revisited over time.
Common areas to discuss include:
Emotional boundaries
What feels okay emotionally, and what doesn’t? How will you stay emotionally connected to one another?
Sexual health and safety
How will you approach safer sex, testing, and transparency around sexual health?
Communication and transparency
How much do you want to know about outside connections? Some couples prefer full disclosure, while others choose a “need-to-know” approach.
Time and energy
How will you ensure your primary relationship continues to receive care, attention, and quality time?
Boundaries aren’t about control—they’re about creating emotional safety for both partners.
5. Prepare for Jealousy and Big Feelings
Jealousy, insecurity, and fear are common—even in strong relationships. Rather than viewing these emotions as signs of failure, think of them as signals pointing toward unmet needs, attachment wounds, or fears of loss.
Learning to talk openly about jealousy can deepen emotional intimacy. Some couples also work toward cultivating compersion—a sense of joy or reassurance in their partner’s happiness—though this takes time and practice.
Emotional regulation, self-compassion, and reassurance are key skills here.
6. Keep Your Relationship at the Centre
Even in open relationships, most couples want their primary bond to remain central. Regular check-ins help ensure both partners feel valued, secure, and heard.
Ask each other:
What’s been feeling good lately?
What’s been challenging?
Do any boundaries need adjusting?
Intentionally nurturing your connection—through quality time, affection, and emotional presence—helps maintain stability as you navigate something new.
7. Stay Flexible and Willing to Revisit Agreements
What works at the beginning may change as emotions, circumstances, and experiences evolve. Healthy non-monogamy requires flexibility, honesty, and a willingness to renegotiate when something no longer feels right.
If one partner wants to pause, slow down, or stop altogether, that request deserves respect and careful discussion.
How Couples Counselling Can Help
Opening a relationship can bring up complex emotions tied to attachment, trust, self-worth, and communication. Working with a therapist who is knowledgeable about open and non-traditional relationships can provide a supportive space to:
Explore motivations and readiness
Practice difficult conversations
Navigate jealousy or insecurity
Create clear, respectful agreements
Strengthen emotional connection
Final Thoughts
Opening your relationship is a deeply personal decision—there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to do it. What matters most is that both partners feel safe, respected, and genuinely on board.
With honesty, care, and support, many couples find that these conversations—whether or not they choose to open their relationship—lead to greater self-understanding and deeper connection.
About Moha and Relationship Counselling
Hi, I’m Moha. I am a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in working with relationships. Whether you’re simply seeking to strengthen connection and intimacy in your relationship, or navigating repairs, such as infidelity, or facing big decisions, such as marriage, parenthood, or opening up your relationship, I am here to help you work together as a team. I combine attachment-focused modalities, such as emotion-focused therapy, with more structured methods, like Gottman therapy, to support you in deep, lasting healing, while giving you practical, take-home tools.
Before I was a therapist, I worked as a research assistant at the University of British Columbia and the Vancouver General Hospital in relationship and sexual health research. Clinically, I have worked with couples to help them communicate better, navigate parenting challenges, and re-ignite intimacy. I combine my evidence-based-research background with my clinical training to provide you with a safe and compassionate space.
I offer a free 15-minute consultation to answer any questions about my process and to see if we might be a good fit!
